my future is in your hands

Hi everyone! April is just around the corner and true to Portland style, the rain is NOT EVER GOING AWAY. Some days the weather will tease us with a blindingly bright sun, only to whisk that sun away in an instant and pelt us with hail. (No joke, this really happened this past Sunday.)

Anyway, I do own one rain jacket, but it’s a shortie and pretty thin, and… uh… a little snug right now. Winter, hibernation, hot chocolate, blah blah = not as svelte as I was this time last year. So I’ve decided it’s high time to splurge a little and get a new rain jacket – one that will keep my butt dry, and can also be worn over a few layers in case it comes to that.

Now that we live mere blocks away from a mall, I decided that I would head on over this evening after work to see what I could find.

And, well, in classic me fashion I found two. I got a second opinion from Brian, but also in classic me fashion I need a third, fourth, fifth, tenth opinion before I can make a decision on my own. Luckily, I have a blog! With readers! So now I present to you…

The Fabulous Rain Jacket Debate – Spring 2009 Edition

RAIN JACKET #1

Specs

1. by Calvin Klein
2. Cotton/nylon outer, polyester lining
3. Double zipper pulls (can unzip from bottom)
4. Zippered chest pocket
5. Pork chop pockets
6. Detachable hood
7. Snap buttons
8. Optional roll-up sleeves

Pros

1. Longer length = more coverage
2. Duh… it’s CALVIN KLEIN
3. Larger hood (for my huge head)
4. Provides a tad more warmth… I think
5. More professional-looking

Cons

1. $10 more than Rain Jacket #2
2. Maybe not as versatile
3. Not as many pockets
4. No breathable lining

 

RAIN JACKET #2

Specs

1. by Lands’ End
2. 100% nylon outer, polyester mesh lining
3. Inner zipper pocket
4. Snap pockets w/ addt’l side pockets
5. Stowaway hood
6. Bungee cord waist
7. Adjustable cuffs

Pros

1. $10 cheaper than Rain Jacket #1
2. More versatile, for casual and more professional wear (again… maybe)
3. Um… Lands’ End guarantee.
4. More secure pockets
5. Breathable mesh lining

Cons

1. Not as long – not as much coverage
2. Feels thinner
3. Um… not Calvin Klein?
4. White could get dirty more easily

Now… Rain Jacket #2 also comes in other colors. At the store, I only saw True Navy, Fresh Green, and Turquoise Blue other than White, and I tried the Fresh Green and Turquoise Blue on several times before deciding on the White. But now that I’m at home, I’m not sure if maybe I’d rather go for another color. Decisions, decisions!!

Okay so this is where you come in. Vote, vote! Which one do you like better, and why? Or is there another brand/type of rain jacket you’d recommend over both of these?

thank heavens this isn’t a video blog

So, Brian is convinced as of late that I have a failed adrenal gland, because I’ve been unnaturally fatigued and very low-energy. I’ve been maintaining that it’s the fact that I get about six hours of sleep a night if I’m lucky, but he has kept insisting that it’s more chemical. Last night he looked up a bunch of medical websites and I have to admit that it sounds likely that that is in fact my problem.

Symptoms of a failed adrenal gland include:

1. extreme fatigue
2. increased moodiness
3. cravings for sweets and simple carbohydrates
4. weight gain (sigh)
5. frequently feeling cold
6. feeling depressed or ‘not oneself’

Um, yeah that pretty much describes me in the past few months. Causes of failed adrenal glands are usually periods of increased and prolonged physical, mental, or emotional stress. Oh, that’s me too.

So now I need to find myself a women’s formula multi-vitamin, and start exercising regularly. I have for sure been planning to start working out, especially because now we live in an apartment building with a 24-hour fitness center, but my eyes are preventing me from doing so right now.

Oh right, this is the post where I tell you all that my body is completely falling apart. I didn’t warn you before, but I’m warning you now.

For over a month now, I’ve been having this really inconvenient and annoying eye irritation. Basically itchy, watery eye which I attributed to a number of environmental allergies. I discontinued the use of my contacts, which basically rendered me unable to comfortably ride my bike, or engage in any sort of physical activity. I saw an eye doctor who gave me allergy drops, but after a few days they began to sting horribly and make my eyes water MORE, so I stopped using them. I was too busy to even think about making another appointment until this week – in the meantime, this past weekend it totally flared up to the point where my eyes were horrifically red and puffy and I felt like a leper. It wasn’t as bad as The Great Eye Infection of 2007 (and part two), but I could feel it getting there. Some tears were shed.

To top it all off, my face decided it was going to break out – not in acne, but in dry, itchy, red, flaky blotches on my nose and the surrounding skin. FABULOUS. I basically did not want to show my face in public, or really even to Brian. He insisted that I was still just as beautiful, but I get the feeling that he was only saying that so I didn’t claw his face off so it would match mine.

And then, I guess my arms and back got really jealous of the field day my face was having, because I suddenly broke out in the worst case of dry skin/hives/eczema I’ve had in YEARS. I could not remember being so itchy – not since I was a child and made my mom scratch my back until I bled. Since my mom isn’t here, I took it into my own hands to make myself bleed.

So imagine this chick walking around the supermarket. She’s wearing thick glasses but you can tell through them that her eyes are totally bloodshot, and her face is red and peeling. She rolls up her sleeve for a minute, maybe to grab some produce, and you almost puke because her arm sports all these red, swollen welts and scabs. OMG! Is she TOUCHING EVERY CARROT?! You are definitely not buying carrots today lest you catch her debilitating disease.

Yeah, that chick was me. People routinely ran away from me screaming this weekend. I consider myself very lucky that my school is on spring break this week so I can safely hide from the masses.

OKAY OKAY no one ran away screaming, but it was pretty bad. My face is getting better, and I saw the eye doctor yesterday who diagnosed me with having ‘inflammatory reactions to irritants in response to an allergic reaction’ and gave me a combination anti-inflammatory and antibiotic eyedrop that I need to administer 4 times a day for a week. Then I go back and see him and if everything is looking better, I’ll reduce to 3 times a day, for a week. Then 2 times a day, then once a day. THEN FINALLY if it’s ‘quieted’ (his term) he will fit me for new contacts.

Sigh. I’m relieved that the drops do seem to be working, and I’ve gotten myself some anti-itch calming lotion and body wash, and Brian has forced me to slather Badger Balm all over my face every chance he gets… so hopefully sometime in the next few weeks I will emerge a new woman. Or, the same woman I was before my whole body up and failed on me.

I would have taken pics to show you… but… are you kidding me?! I barely want to go to Walgreens, let alone post up pics of my monstrosities for the whole Internet to see.

i can’t believe i’ve never mentioned this

… but I work with a pair of very famous people.

That’s right, the Bacon Brothers moonlight as school administrators in Portland, Oregon for their Mandarin Immersion Program.

Awesome, right? I bet you never would have guessed.

… Hahahaha. I mean you have to admit, it’s kind of a hilarious coincidence. They work together! Yet no one really found it funny here, except me. Maybe it’s just an old joke by now. But honestly. Do people just not care about Kevin Bacon in Oregon?

tuesday is cranky day

So, I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s getting rainier and greyer again, and that despite the recent warm sunny afternoons, it’s still generally cold and kinda icky out. Maybe it’s the fact that I decided to stop Weight Watchers because it was becoming emotionally draining at an already emotionally draining time, so I’ve gained back whatever I lost this time around. Maybe it’s the fact that we’re moving in two weeks and two weeks seems like a looming, long, endless time right now.

But the past two days have been some of the crankiest, unmotivating days in a while! I can really think of nothing more that would make me feel better than to crawl into bed and sleep until I forget what day it is. Okay, maybe that just means I’m tired.

Tired or not, today has been a pretty crappy day. First of all, I somehow miscalculated my timing this morning and left the house just in time to see the late bus drive by. Great. Brian and I have worked out a new system in which if I miss the bus, he’ll drive me to my connecting bus stop instead of all the way to school, so that neither of our mornings is completely thrown off. So that is what he did. I was still late for work, but not as late as I would have been had I missed the connecting bus.

Anyway, then at lunch, one of the ladies I eat with asked me how much weight I’d lost on Weight Watchers. ‘Oh,’ I said, ‘I stopped doing it for a while.’

Before I could really explain any more, one of the other ladies butted in and said, ‘Can’t you tell, with the stuff she’s been eating for lunch? Like yesterday?’

Excuse me? First of all, I am still eating healthy lunches. Light soups, baby carrots, light popcorn, and fruit. Yesterday I happened to have a leftover HALF SANDWICH from dinner out Sunday night. HALF A FUCKING SANDWICH. I don’t know where she gets off judging what I eat, but boy, way to get a disordered eater to totally want to stop eating in any sort of company. And by the way, I’m not the one eating processed fried chicken strips from the school cafeteria.

So then I had bus duty, and combined with my tiredness and moodiness from lunch, the energy of the four Kindergarteners I walk from their classrooms was just too much for me. They can’t get their jackets on. They take forever to put their homework in their backpacks. They have this new game where they hide from me while I go pick up the rest of the kids. AWESOME. Sigh. On any other day… I would play along. Today, though, I was worn out.

On top of that, now they have taken to hitting each other with their lunch bags and smacking each other on the bum, neither of which is safe or allowed. So as I’m trying to get one of the kids (the boy whose family I’ve become friends with, actually – Thanksgiving, etc) to come over to me so I can ask him not to hit people with his lunch bag, and I grab his arm, one of the classroom assistants, who is by the way, a very immature and obnoxious thirteen year old THIRTY-ONE-YEAR-OLD MAN, walks by me on his way into the building and says, ‘You know you’re not supposed to do that.’

WELL WHY DON’T YOU PUT A MEDAL ON YOURSELF, AND COME DEAL WITH THIS KID FOR ME? Geez! Thanks for lording your classroom training over me, the lowly office and bus girl, without even considering that it would be a nice thing to, I don’t know, fucking help me? Especially if you deal with a classroom full of children with behavioral problems all day? No, it’s probably better to just be a total douchebag and walk away and leave me a. still trying to get this kid’s attention and b. completely humiliated in front of kids, parents, and other teachers. Yeah, and then later on when I tell you that I didn’t appreciate being talked to like that, especially in that situation, why don’t you just shrug it off awkwardly and tell me you were just ‘joking?’

Yeah, life is a joke. That’s why you’re thirty-one and still don’t have a fucking clue what you want to do with your life other than get wasted every night and then work with problem children at an elementary school.

Oh and finally, it’s IHOP Pancake Day and we probably aren’t going to have time to go get free pancakes. What. The. Fuck. Worst day ever.

big news!

Guess what everyone? I’m moving in 24 days!

That’s right. Brian and I have decided to end our lease early and relocate to a part of town that’s closer to the downtown area and west side of Portland, in the NE quarter (we currently live in the SE quarter). We decided to do this because we’ve been feeling financially cramped for a while now, and I’m feeling kind of isolated and immobile living so far out from downtown in a more residential, less urban area. Those two factors were really taking their toll on our relationship, and after much thought we felt that it was worth the financial and emotional benefit to make the move now and bear the consequences of breaking the lease four months early.

So, we spent all last weekend looking at places, and we ended up with a really sweet deal on a 1-bedroom apartment in a luxury building just a short, free light rail/bus ride away from downtown! It’s a bit smaller than our house, but we’ll be spending much less and not having to worry about things like maintenance, oil heat, and buying curtains (which… we still haven’t done here). There’s also a 24-hour fitness center in the building, and the unit has a dishwasher, washer/dryer, and patio. It’s 650 square feet with a breakfast bar, nice built-in closets, and carpeted living room and bedroom.

Here’s the floorplan.

You can also check out more pics of the building on the website, as well.

The big day is March 10th, although we have until March 15th to completely move out of the house. So, as I mentioned earlier, that’s 24 days away… which means I have 24 days to organize my things, pack up, and set aside things to sell or send over to Goodwill. Aaahh! In addition to that, I’m taking the PRAXIS this Saturday, preparing table gifts for a gala for work Saturday night, and organizing myself for a potential craft fair on March 8th. (I have yet to find out if my application is accepted!)

I think there might be something else that I’m supposed to be working on, but I can’t for the life of me remember right now. Ack. I’ve realized that I have a serious compulsion to overextend myself when I get busy, as if the best way to cope is to make myself even busier.

At least I won’t be bored!

better late than never

I have made new year’s resolutions most every year of my adult life, and managed to keep most of them to the best of my ability (recalling now my resolution for 2007 – to finish the Brooklyn Half-Marathon – and the subsequent culmination). Some say that new year’s resolutions are just pipe dreams and/or failures waiting to happen, but I see something refreshing and invigorating in them. I’ve always placed a lot of value in anniversaries, and reflection of the passage of time in one’s life, like somewhat of a measure of growth.

It’s about a month late, but that means I’ve had plenty of time to come up with some resolutions that I have no choice but to keep… unless I choose to remain lost and in limbo, both physically in Portland, and emotionally in my mid-twenties. (Fittingly, I’m about to venture into the latter half of my twenties when I turn 26 next Wednesday.)

Here they are:

1. To establish more of a presence in Portland. I’ve been feeling more or less non-impactful in my six months here, like no one’s lives would be much different if I hadn’t arrived on the scene. That’s never been okay with me. I thrive on making a difference, leaving an imprint on people that will stay with them over time. I’ve made a handful of friends, but they’ve been slow-forging, mostly because I don’t think I’ve been as proactive as I perhaps need to be right now.

So I decided that the way to remedy that was to open my home up to others. We’re having the Bartells (the family who welcomed us to their house for Thanksgiving) over this weekend for a Chinese New Year dinner and celebration. Their son is a Kindergartener in the Mandarin program I work for, and this is their first foray into Chinese culture. I’m so excited and honored to be a part of introducing it to them. We’ll be making dumplings and telling stories about the Chinese Zodiac, potentially making origami ninja stars (it remains to be seen if this is something that a 4 and 6 year old can grasp), and playing Wii!

Then, next weekend, I am hosting a potluck dinner for my birthday. I’ve invited all of my new friends, plus spouses/significant others, and the great part is that most of them don’t know each other, so it will be a gathering for new friends all around. Everyone will be bringing a food/drink that has a significant story in their lives, so it’ll be a warm, inviting, getting-to-know-you kind of atmosphere. And then we can play Wii and drink wine and be merry

2. To find a better neighborhood to live in. A few months ago Brian and I disclosed to each other that we’re not the happiest in our current living situation. We’re a bit further out from the downtown area than I would like, and much further of a bike-able distance from any trails than Brian would like. I had very much wanted to maintain the walkable lifestyle that I had in New York City, but that seems much less feasible where we are than I had anticipated – and I don’t like feeling dependent on a. a car or b. a driver to get around. That, and both Brian and I are going to need to spend much more time on the west side of town (we are currently in Southeast) this fall. Details to come.

In short, we’re moving. Our lease is up at the end of July, at which point we’re consolidating, purging, packing up, and moving into an apartment somewhere on the west side, just outside of the downtown area. I’m so excited for this – it’s a move that will bring us both closer to what we’d imagined Portland to be like, will likely be cheaper than what we pay to live now, and I’ll finally be able to let loose in making our place more like home. (I’ve been holding off because I had a feeling this wasn’t permanent.)

3. To finally pick up my academics where I left off, so to speak. Back in November, I had an epiphany. It was as simple as another day in the office at school, another sad, sniffly child with a tummyache right before lunch. But this time, instead of having her obligatorily chomp on a thermometer, then lay in the nurse’s office until she inevitably got bored and wanted to leave, the secretary decided to call the school counselor in to talk to her. Something clicked in my head at that very moment, and everything just suddenly made sense. I knew why I had gotten to this point in my career, what all the struggles had been about, and what truly moved me in life. I knew who I wanted to be, and more importantly, to whom I wanted to be.

Since that day in November, I’ve been preparing to send in my applications to graduate studies in school counseling. This is a departure from my original plans, which ranged from graphic/web design, advertising, social work, teaching, and most recently, education leadership – and this sudden change of heart meant that instead of more than six months to get myself in order, I had only about two. And there was testing involved. I took the GRE on New Year’s Eve after cramming during my holiday week at home, and I’m turning all of my paperwork in tomorrow. Yet it feels like I’ve always been meant to do this – from the very meager beginnings of my career with children.

I’m applying to Portland State and Lewis & Clark – both schools are in the Southwest quarter of Portland but have very different atmospheres. I’ve gone to information sessions for both, and am actually quite anxious to know if I’m accepted to both, or either. I don’t think I cared this much the first time around, applying to undergrad, mostly because I wasn’t that excited about undergrad at all. It wasn’t a choice I made, necessarily, and I didn’t know very much about what it held for my future. This time, though, I know it means everything.

The field of school counseling has actually changed very much in the past ten years, and thus is often misunderstood these days. I know that I didn’t really know what it involved until I was in a public school with a counselor onsite, and even then I needed to pull her aside and ask her what her job was. I’ll save further exploration into it for a later post, but feel free to ask any questions if you have them right now!

4. To be more creative and passionate, and thrive every day. I won’t lie – I think I’ve fallen victim to Seasonal Affective Disorder. We’ve had long stretches of grey, darkened days, a ridiculous blizzard in December, and even now as we’ve had many sunny days in January, it’s been bitterly cold and blustery and not at all good for riding my bike, which is supposed to be a huge advantage of it not being rainy. So basically, the weather has kept me inside, shivering, and wanting to stay in bed under the covers every morning. And that is just not okay.

I kind of let my jewelry business rest since Christmas, partly to focus on my grad school applications and partly because I was just so strung out from getting it up and running. But I’ve decided to apply for my first craft fair in March, hosted by Crafty Wonderland. I’m hoping that this will drum up some interest and get my name out there, and possibly give me some more sales!

That aside, I generally want to get back into the habit of making beautiful things out of simple things. There just hasn’t been enough of that through this winter.

So, here’s to 2009. There is much to look forward to this year, and much to work toward. I’m geared up and ready for the journey.

guess who wins the boyfriend award for thursday, january 22nd, 2009?

So, something about the cold, blustery weather around here (20-30 mph winds, people!) has made it very difficult for me to get out of bed in the mornings. As it hasn’t rained for a marathon 10 days or something, I’ve been trying to take advantage of it by riding my bike to and from work, which means I can leave the house about 15 minutes later than I would to take the bus (I know. Backwards, right?). Except because of the aforementioned blustering winds, riding my bike is somewhat torturous in the 30-some degree morning air – I get to work with numb fingers and headaches. As a result, I waver between slight fevers and chills during the day and I’m not sure if this means I’ll soon be plunging into some sort of illness, or if I’ll just be halfway healthy for the next few months.

Anyway, this morning I had had it with the biking. I also woke up even later than the late wakeup time I maintain lately (6:37 as opposed to the idealistic 6:00 alarm I set), so even despite my best efforts to make the fastest breakfast and packed lunch ever, I knew I wasn’t going to make the 7:08 bus.

Okay so before I continue and confuse you all, here’s the breakdown of my morning routine options:
1. Bike – goal is to leave by 7:15 but I usually don’t leave until 7:20ish, and I get to school between 7:35 and 7:40.
2. Bus – first bus is at 7:08 and gets to my connection stop at 7:11, then my connecting bus is at 7:16 and gets me to school by 7:21. You read that correctly – my total bus riding time is 8 minutes. And it costs me $2.00. The connecting bus, by the way, only runs every 20 minutes so if I miss the 7:16, I’m toast. Ok not really. If I miss the 7:35, I’m really toast.

It was clear to me that I wasn’t going to make the 7:08 bus, so I decided that I would just take a later first bus and get the 7:35 connecting bus. The later first bus was at 7:23, so I had plenty of time… or so I thought. I was out the door and on my way to the bus stop, which up a block and around the corner, when suddenly I saw the bus drive through the stoplight and up to the bus stop. This has happened in the past as I walked toward the 7:08 bus, but this was the late bus. I had no other option.

So I sprinted. I, self-proclaimed NON-runner-for-public-transportation, sprinted down the rest of the block and around the corner as the bus slowed for the stop. And as I got closer, I yelled, ‘WAIT!!!’ and waved my arms like a huge loser. And honestly, as I was about 10 feet away and could see the faces of the passengers on the bus, it pulled away. So I screamed, threw my bags down on the bench, and started crying. Then I pulled out my phone and checked the time: 7:22.

Damn bus was EARLY and didn’t even wait for the SCREAMING PASSENGER SPRINTING TOWARD IT like it’s supposed to.

Then, the following thoughts raced through my mind, on top of and entangled with each other:

i hate the bus
will the next bus get me to the connecting bus in time?
the next connecting bus isn’t until freaking 8:00
it’s cold
i can’t go home and get on my bike
because it’s freaking cold
and my head will hurt
and i will be sweaty and then cold
and i hate the bus
i hate not having a car out here
i wish i called in sick

Then I called Brian and as I explained what had happened I began to sob. Like full out, broken voice, hiccuping sobs. Other people started to show up at the bus stop so I had to run away and hide in the adjacent parking lot. Brian told me to hold on, and a few minutes later his truck pulled into the parking lot. My hero! I humbly, tearfully, pathetically got into the truck and continued to cry all the way to school (meaning… the entire 5-minute ride) because it was just so ridiculous that I even needed to rely on someone to drive me to school when I am a. 25 (almost 26) years old, b. well-versed in public transportation, and c. the owner of a very nice bicycle. But the situation was what it was, and I was so thankful for Brian and his willingness to help me that it just made me cry more.

I feel like that’s one of the biggest transitions for me since our move out here – finding the balance between a comfortable dependence and not enough independence. I’ve come a long way from the kind of defiance I used to carry around me, walking home from the subway past midnight in Brooklyn, refusing to call cabs even if it meant sitting in a subway station for 30 minutes at a time. Rationally, I know that being in a relationship – living with someone – calls for a certain amount of co-dependence. If we’re to continue on, there will only be more degrees of dependence. But at which point does it become too much, am I not taking enough control of my own situation? When does it prevent me from reclaiming the tools I would need if I should one day find myself on my own again?

I don’t think about these things on a daily basis – only when things like this happen. Even now, a year and a half later, there are still relationship-y things that seem odd to me. Counter-intuitive. But at the same time, I remember the people I met when I was single, and the situations I dealt with, the solitude that consumed me at times, and this feels much more natural. I guess human beings are just adaptive in that way. I hope Brian feels similarly, despite the fact that his hysterical girlfriend dragged him out of the house half an hour early on a cold Thursday morning.

the return of miles

A conversation between me, Miles, and another Kindergartener, Lila (not her real name, of course). Preface: my primary interaction with Miles is that I get him off the bus in the mornings, and pick him up from his classroom to take him to the bus in the afternoons.

Me: Miles, when’s your birthday?

Miles: February 5th!

Me: Really? Your birthday is the day after mine! Except you’ll be 6, and I’ll be 26.

Miles: So you’re a bus taker, and you’re 25, and that’s all you do is be a bus taker?

Me: Of course not, silly… I do many other things during the day.

Lila: Yeah… she eats breakfast you know!

Me: Yes… and I eat lunch, too.

Oh, Miles, didn’t you know that it was always my life’s ambition to be a bus taker and nothing but a bus taker?

frazzled dog mommy here

As I write this post, I have half of a length of leash wrapped around my arm to keep Luna from leaping onto whichever poor, unsuspecting person has walked by us in this coffee shop. The Kong I brought for her has also unfortunately rolled somewhere under the couch, so she alternates between lunging at other coffee drinkers, laying quietly on the rug (thank heavens), and burrowing under the couch looking for it, only her sprawled out hind legs visibly protruding. It’s kind of funny, but also sort of exhausting.

I’m thinking about how this compares to being a mom bringing her child anywhere in public, but I guess the difference is that you can pick your child up and carry them, or put them in a stroller, if they keep running away from you. To a point, anyway. And hopefully by the time your child is old enough to be running away from you, they also somewhat understand your language. Luna, not so much.

This is also the first time she’s been out in public for an extended period of time…

Oh crap. I have to take her outside now because she’s starting to bark!!

duh

Little girl is in the office with a tiny nosebleed.

Me: Why is your nose bleeding?
Her: I ate too many Cheetos.
Me: Oh… maybe you shouldn’t eat so many Cheetos.
Her: I know!!!